Video Script – Everything Wrong With Eminem – Revival

Note: the writing with a strikethrough is cut content.

  • Disclaimer: the following is a parody of CinemaSins’ “Everything Wrong With” series, so I’d advise checking out their content first if you’re unfamiliar with this type of humour. This video is for entertainment purposes only and does not accurately reflect my views on the album. I hope you enjoy. Note that a x2 multiplier is added to every track with a pop feature, and can stack if there’s multiple pop features in a row
  • Everything Wrong With Revival in 200 dad puns or less
  • Note that a x2 multiplier is added to every track with a pop feature, and can stack if there’s multiple pop features in a row

Walk On Water

  • Pop feature (x2)
  • (“Pressure increases like khakis”) awkward by itself but also note how it’s out of place, etc.
  • (The entire “James Todd, and I’m not Prince” bit) Em’s weird obsession with listing things that rhyme, that everyone hated when he did it on features like No Favors, makes it onto this album. Especially baffling considering he acknowledges the No Favors criticism in this very song
  • (“Is he gonna shout or curse out his mom”) Why would anyone think this? Most of your fans know you apologised to her on “Headlights”
  • (“Bitch I wrote Stan”) Em clings onto something he made 17 years ago. 

Believe

  • (“And I started from the bottom” bit) Em tries to make the transition from Walk On Water to Believe smooth with this line, but then commences to throw any consideration for cohesiveness out of the window after this by having a minimalist ballad, two trap songs, a rock song and pop rap track back to back in just the first five songs alone
  • Also, “started from the bottom like a snowman”? Ugh
  • This beat is really good and Em sounds great on it, like most of his self produced tracks in fact. So why does he not only produce more, but have most of this album scattered with generic pop rap throwaway beats instead?
  • Mimmick stop and go flow while saying something like “why… are you… rapping like… this… Ijustdon’tmotherfuckingunderstand IT!
  • We’re eight minutes into this album and Em’s already made numerous references to previous songs and albums; it’s as if he realises Revival sucks ass so he tries to use nostalgia to keep you listening, on a pipe dream that maybe he can still make the stuff you liked 17 years ago
  • (Third verse) This third verse is absolute flames, have a sin off

Chloraseptic

  • Lone rap feature doesn’t have a verse
  • (“Apparent she’s a MILF when blowing me”) This is the 1000th time Em has made an “apparent/a parent” pun
  • (The “heads flying” bit) More “lyrical miracle spiritual” rhyming for the sake of it bars
  • (On “muff diver” part) Is Em having a stroke right now?
  • Note how I recognise that part is meant to be mocking new flows like Migos’, but in reality no one raps like that and the entire part just comes off as awkward as hell

Untouchable

  • This godly intro is only used once and at the lowest volume possible
  • (as song transitions from quiet intro to loud as fuck first verse) JESUS CHRIST
  • Talk about why I like the first half of Untouchable, how him playing a caricature of a bad cop is funny and MMLP esque/the type of humour I miss from Em, etc. (remove a sin)
  • (“I admit there have been times where it’s been embarrassing to be a white boy”) Remember when Em was technologically illiterate? Maybe it should have stayed that way
  • (“I wonder if we hire more black cops the crap stops”) Yep, I see no holes in this logic! Honestly this is kinda bordering on racism in and of itself, imagine if the line was “I wonder if we hire more white men the shite ends” or something, it’d be Foolish Pride 2.0
  • (“Bad cops fuck it up for the good cops”) Mind blowing revelations from Em on this track
  • (“Stop sending white cops into black neighbourhoods”) Again, what sort of logic is this? If anything this would make racial relations even worse. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if Em said something like “make school shooters police officers because they’re great with weapons!”
  • (“Education sucks” bit) he’s literally just listing shit at this point without exploring any of it. Which is probably a good thing actually, when his deepest conclusions are “fuck white people”
  • (“Why is it, they treat us like” line) The worst part is this is one of the better similes on this album
  • (“Fuck your Republican views”) Em equates racist cops with Republicans
  • (“Just keep marching” part) 5 seconds later

River

  • Pop feature (x2)
  • (“She’s on his back like a jetpack”) More out of place wordplay that adds nothing to the track
  • (“My sins need holy water”) The sins of this album need a lot more than just holy water
  • (“Just shit on my last chick ‘cause she has what my ex lacks”) 10 sins
  • (“So she’s been on the Web lately, says maybe she’ll” wordplay) STOP
  • (“FUCK”) There’s zero reason for him to shout “fuck” here, other than to fulfill his “five “fucks” a song” quota
  • (“This love triangle left us in a wreck tangled”) Laugh, fucking end me

Remind Me (Intro)

  • Alright, another Dre produced Em track! I’m so hyped to see how th… W-what do you mean it’s over?

Remind Me

  • As questionable as Remind Me is overall, I think the way he comes in is really nice (remove a sin)
  • (“Grab a hold of my instrument”)
  • (“I love YOU!”) laughing, are you fucking serious?
  • “Your booty is heavy duty like diarrhea” (add 100 sins)
  • (“You’re a cute fox”) “You’re a cute fox”? And Em wonders why he’s single
  • (“Back it up like a moonwalk”) He’s not even trying anymore

Revival (Interlude)

  • One of the best songs on the album doesn’t even have Eminem on it
  • (“Our Revival”) roll credits

Like Home

  • Pop feature (x2)
  • “Motivational speech at start of song” cliché
  • Note how cringey the bird insults are, and even though the “tweet” payoff is kinda nice it doesn’t mitigate how awkward the rest of it is
  • (“This kinda pickle we’re in’s hard to dill”)
  • (“Spray tan get rid of”) All of Em’s Trump criticisms on this track are playground level insults and it’s just hard to listen to. It’s especially dumb considering they’re all just repeating generic Trump jokes you see online all the time; Em’s an incredibly creative guy as is visible even on this album with tracks like Castle and Arose, so to see his formerly brilliant social commentary reduced to this (and Untouchable’s white people hatred) is disappointing more than anything
  • Eminem has managed to make Alicia Keys sound bland and uninteresting… then again I guess that’s not surprising, since he also managed to make motherfucking EMINEM sound bland and uninteresting
  • (“Nazi/not see”) Rhyming “Nazi” with “not see”… I don’t even have a smart quip or anything about this, I’d rather just dedicate the time I’d spend doing that to setting up a rope on my chandelier and dangling neck first from it, because that feels more productive than listening to this album right now
  • (“Like a dictionary things are looking up”)

Bad Husband

  • Pop feature (x4)
  • (“So much baggage need a luggage rack”) STOP
  • Worst production and hook ever
  • (“How come you can be a good father but a bad husband?”) Quite easily, actually, as they’re two very different things
  • (“The line that’s hot that I forgot” part) I’m getting major “Crazy In Love” PTSD right now
  • (Near start of second verse) What’s up with Em’s voice here? It’s all strained and gruff… I guess he really was SCREAMING ON THESE HOES TILL HE’S HOOOOARSE
  • (My Dad’s Gone Crazy sample) Em reminds me again that there’s much better albums I could be listening to right now
  • (“There’s always another side to a good father” etc.) And what is that other side exactly? Because the entire track Em just talks about how he was a good father but bad husband, there’s no “other side” addressed at all
  • (The Mockingbird bit) Mimic flow again, why… are you… rapping like this… again, it does… not sound good
  • Also, Em again reminds me of tracks I’d rather be listening to right now

Tragic Endings

  • Skylar Grey (x6)
  • We stop this new Eminem album to bring you Recovery
  • What the hell is this mixing?

Framed

  • (x4)
  • We stop this new Eminem album to bring you Relapse
  • (“In front of Steven Avery’s trailer”) but why though?
  • (Line about the tonka toy) Still get PTSD over that Taking My Ball line about the tonka truck up a little kid’s butthole. We’re not sinning Relapse though… so Revival can take the sin instead
  • (start of third verse where he’s listing again) Em list rhymes again. It wasn’t impressive the first ten times, and it  wasn’t here either
  • Why is “raping” censored here when he not only shouts “urinate, like what I do before, after and during raaaaape” three songs later, but has entire songs straight up detailing rape in graphic detail?

Nowhere Fast

  • Kehlani (x6)
  • We stop this new Eminem album to bring you Recovery, again
  • (“Another terrorist attack, like a tariff”) explain wordplay, then give it like 10 sins and a quip
  • At track 13 of 19 this is the third and final political track of the album, on an album which has a heavily political cover and album rollout
  • (“I fall off, that day will never come”) Aha, about that…
  • (After about when the bomb drops at end of second verse) The social commentary on this track is literally just “zonks! There’s some shooters and nukes and, uh, that makes tomorrow really super scary, huh guys!!??”
  • (start of bridge) WHAT IS THIS MIXING
  • (“Who knows what the future for us could hold, another shooter, uh oh”) Laugh, who the fuck let this stay? I mean he’s become a self parody at this point. Another female, uh oh, another white person, uh oh

Heat

  • (x4)
  • Remind Me was so good he put it on the album twice
  • (“I actually said, I gotta meet her like a taxi”) I call bullshit
  • Also, “I gotta meet her like a taxi”, sin
  • (the “ahead of myself”, “bust”, etc. wordplay) I really fucking hate myself for enjoying this wordplay (sin off)
  • (“The only thing I agree on with Donald is that” part) Quite possibly the cringiest line of Em’s career, and that says a lot
  • (Mark Wahlberg sample) Note how it’s the worst sample of all time
  • (“Said my dick is an apple, let me put it inside her”), Apple, inside her, in cider… ugh
  • (“It just died like food colouring does”) The “it” in this statement is his entire fanbase after hearing this line
  • (“Let’s get turnt like a” and “twist it like an air conditioning knob”)
  • (“You got buns, I got aspergers”) This is hands down a contender for the worst verse Em’s ever done, every line feels like an attempt to hit a new low
  • (As the fourth verse starts) Oh fuck there’s a fourth verse!?

Offended

  • (x2)
  • Em tried the “make a song that’s meant to be offensive” idea with Medicine Ball 8 years ago and it fell completely flat, so why the hell did he try and make it work again now?
  • (“Like Bill Cosby”, still groggy, etc. part) Making Bill Cosby jokes in 2017
  • (“Until I get the president to respond”) Em remembers this album’s been marketed as a political one, so forces in Trump references like this
  • (Hook) Em can write hooks like Talk To Me, Drama Setter, Stimulate and Lose Yourself, but decides to have this abomination on his album instead
  • (The “do a fake dab to smell my armpits with it” part”) Sigh… just add 10 sins
  • (“When I pull ‘em like sleigh rides”)
  • You urinate before, after AND during rape?… Eminem has bladder cancer.
  • (“R. Kelly with a full bladder”) Em joked about this in 2010, that’s how outdated this reference is
  • (Fast part) Discount Rap God
  • Em re-enacts the “I did a whole song and I didn’t say shit” idea with this track, albeit unintentionally this time… I never thought I’d be favorably comparing Encore to another album, Jesus fuck Em

Need Me

  • Pink (x4)
  • We stop this new Eminem album to bring you Recov… ugh, really?
  • (Somewhere in Pink’s second verse) Where the fuck is Eminem?
  • Another verse about relationships, really??
  • (“I’m swimming in that Egyptian river ‘cause I’m in denial”)

In Your Head

  • (x2)
  • (The hook) This sample sounds like a 128kbps YouTube rip
  • Mock “HAILIE, BABYYYY” emphasis stuff
  • Em regrets some of the decisions he made as a father… so much for the whole “good father, great dad” thing
  • Em says he regrets mentioning Hailie so much, but then spends the rest of the verse and the ENTIRE next song talking about her, plus the various other mentions of her on the rest of the album
  • I mean is there anything Em doesn’t regret at this point? He’s shown regret for talking about his kids, how he talked about Kim, his mother, Encore, Relapse and now Recovery, Cleanin’ Out My Closet, being white…

Castle

  • Liz Rodrigues (x4)
  • “Leaving letters to be found after your death” cliché
  • Where was this the whole album Em!?
  • (“Sorry for sloppy writing” part) This part where Em intentionally writes badly is better written than 80% of the lines where he was actually trying to write well
  • Em roasts Hailie. Him laughing about it also shows he supports and encourages child abuse
  • (“My Infinite CD flopped, too many soft tunes”) People didn’t like it because you sounded like a Nas rip off and the production sucked, where is this “soft tunes” bs coming from?
  • (“They can take this fame back, I don’t want it!”) “Eminem hates fame” cliché

Arose

  • (x2)
  • Oh hey Em’s near death experience in 2007, he’s never talked about this before
  • STRUGGLIIIIING
  • (“Jade I’m missing your birthday”) D-did he just call her “Jade”? When has he ever referred to her by her middle name?
  • (“I’d scream but it’s not allowed”) Despite being on the verge of death, Em apparently still cares about being told off by a nurse for being too loud
  • (“It’s about to be 2008, how’s this happening now?”) This line only exists to remind people his near death happens at the end of 2007. Still a more meaningful line than 90% of the album’s other lyrics I guess
  • (“You better marry that girl ‘cause she’s faithfully down” part) But Nathan met the girl he’s married to now in 2008, after this happens, so this line doesn’t make any sense
  • (“Thank my father too”, “what not to do” part) “Eminem hates his father” cliché
  • Note nice rhyming in the “cheeks soaking and wet” part, sin off
  • Take sin(s) off for the beat rewind part
  • Sentence: Heavy Duty (with “STRUGGLIIIING” sound byte)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s