Rap – Identity (Part 1/5 of Juxtaposition)

Note: this is part one of a series of raps (called 'Juxtaposition') that, read together, tell an overarching story. 'Juxtaposition' is a sequel to another series of raps called 'The Lost Star'. Despite this, it's also readable as a standalone piece.

Minus nine months, she took her mum by surprise,
Zero, she first looked into her eyes,
Dad disappeared like Drax so her nan was her Yondu,
If only she knew she'd be the one with the blues,
One to two, fat as fuck, couldn't walk until later,
That was luck she ran into considering where she was raised up,
Drug trafficking across the road, graffiti tagging on the pavements,
The fact she could only move on her ass was a saviour,
Three to ten developed, embedded the value of herself,
Eleven she first met who would soon have that shelved,
A kid, they helped each other at school, and befriended
Over mutual interests - gaming and wrestling,
Twelve to the mid teens, they remained best friends,
Their adventures leveraged parts of who she'll be to the end,
Her identity was indented intently for the best,
But that was thrown into jeopardy when their memories were bent,
On Xbox Live, talking by a mic,
She'd be right back, had dinner in five,
Usually she'd switch off the mic but forgot,
Then she overheard her conversation with her mom,
Shit talking her, for reasons she to this day can't explain,
Saying she's been bad to her, a bad friend in every way,
When she returned she acted like it was okay,
But it wasn't, and not long after they drifted away,
She spent many nights questioning why she had that to speak,
Then she started questioning if what she said had accuracy,
The positive image instilled about herself by her family
Was crashing, her identity blasted a casualty,
Fourteen, new school, new friend opportunities,
If only she'd foreseen the fool she'd make trying to opt in the community,
Do anything they'd force, speak, “you'll be cool” they'd lodge, shoot, repeat,
And at first it sure seemed like she ruled and had locked unity,
But as time went on it became clear they wanted to stay clear,
That the novelty had worn off and they were saving face when she'd remain near,
They found her jokes unfunny, hell, straight up fully cringe,
Then the peer pressure morphed for bullying,
First was called names from the field to the walkway,
Gawked at and mocked all days, all sides of the clock face,
Then ignored altogether till she walked away,
Once again left on her own, alone, with scorned hate,
Identity again questioned she spent
Hours in the library, crying quietly, begged
For a new identity as the current one messed
Up everything, then she made a new group of friends,
They liked her for her, finally, but she'd find they seemed dangerous,
They enjoyed playing with fire, hanging out with the crazy ones,
But she'd finally been accepted so she accepted them back,
Wasn't long before her identity again was trashed,
Starting shit, entering gardens, egging houses on Halloween,
Being late to class, being angry, grades fading in the shadowing,
Wasn't long ‘fore she saw the sacrifice’s advantages weren't happening,
The damages were adding up and the person in the mirror’s harrowing,
After some time she cut them off, but she had fucked all odds
Of fitting in with anyone normal or even somewhat off,
Not accepted by anyone, her identity was completely lost,
In the quest for anyone she lost herself, now she was shunned and scoffed,
Fifteen to seventeen, she developed quickly,
Switched her severed seems for slick beams,
Loathing for motivation, she swiftly ended these
Lonely times when she met good friends who saw her respectfully,
Respectably revved her need, checked the weak and fixed her deeds,
Every steep memory she buried, weaved with better scenes,
It definitely seemed she had redeemed her identity,
But when she'd leave for university it dismembered, and almost ended bleak,
Eighteen, new city, no friends again,
Couldn't make any and loneliness starts developing,
Grades degrade, ‘cept this time not due to messing
But because she was in her first foray with depression,
Started missing lectures, questioning her profession,
No longer honest with family, just couldn't give a confession
Of the condition she was sitting in, decompressing,
Thoughts grew daily about the concept of the ending,
Seemed there was no way out, only coping lonely loathing,
Yo-yoing between that and pretending to smile when family’s phoning,
Closed in, self imploding, don't know where she's going,
Not knowing she'd finally find her identity because of this moment,
When lying in bed and crying, fed up, emotionally repressed,
She started wanting to vent so she used art to express
What she couldn't confess from the heart via breath,
Wrote all her stress in poetry, posted these on the net,
This helped think through her feelings as well as get them out,
But most of all it ripped the lingering clinging of self doubt
As she realised that she was good at this, wow,
Not as worthless as first thought, now a purpose she's found,
She always felt self hatred as she felt she didn't help make a
Difference to civilisation, as she hadn't found her vocation,
Now she's found greatness she just gotta find patience
To keep grinding, not wilding, till she makes it,
Twenty, now invigorated, traded in vigour from hatred,
Motivation no longer loathing, but the thought of being amazing,
It's been a crazy road, and it's just the start of her destiny,
But she knows she can face it all, as she's found her identity

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