Video Script – Ranking Every Ratchet & Clank Game

From the first game to, uh, the first game, I rank every Ratchet & Clank entry, including the PS2 classics, Future saga and everything between and after them. #ProtectIntoTheNexus

Note: the writing with a strikethrough is cut content.

14. Before the Nexus

Before the Nexus was an endless runner released before Into the Nexus [show Before the Nexus logo] ooohhh… and that’s pretty much it. It, uh, it has grindrail sections, remember those? And there’s a RYNO too, that’s quaint, but, uh, yeah that’s all I have to say to be honest. It’s kinda fun but there’s not much to it, I don’t know why I included this to be honest, this was a stupid fucking idea

13. All 4 One

All 4 One brings everything I love about the Ratchet & Clank series to the forefront of the gameplay. The fixed camera angle. The excessive turret sections. The vacuum gameplay mechanic wait a minute. I respect this game for trying something new and it has its moments but, overall it just fell flat for me. The gameplay was too streamlined and thus boring. Exploration was nonexistent. There’s a fucking vacuum gameplay mechanic. The one thing I do like though is the fact that we get an entire game of the four main characters together. Nefarious is forever on the verge of a mental breakdown and it’s just, yes. Yes.

12. Secret Agent Clank

[playing one of the PS2 games] [game pauses] Sigh, I don’t know man. I like it but, I feel it needs… more stealth sections. And quick time events. And a stupid fucking story. AND SHIT LEVEL DESI- This game is trash. I really wanted to like it because I loved the Secret Agent Clank stuff in Up Your Arsehole [clip of Secret Agent Clank fighting in 3] Heh heh look at the backpack go, but the entire thing just fell flat. Dull and frustrating gameplay, bad writing, oh shit the Plasma Whip’s back, best game in the series

11. Full Frontal Assault

Nothing screams “wholesome family fun” like a rape reference in the title haha whew. While most people don’t like this game, I actually kind of enjoy it. I mean I platinum’d the PS Vita version [show screenshot] oh God, so it must have done something right. I like this game because of how it switches up the level design, opting for more wide open spaces and more speedboots reliance than we’ve seen before. It creates a fresh yet familiar dynamic that I appreciated and it didn’t overstay its welcome. Despite this, I still have to rank it low just because it’s really lacking in content and replay value. Oh wait there’s a multiplayer mode, that’ll provide some replay value. Wh-you have to talk to other people? Nevermind [clip of game going into bin]

10. Size Matters

Wow this plays exactly like the original trilogy, this is fantastic. Uh why is Ratchet acting like that… oh this takes place before Going Commando, of course. Wait, it doesn’t? And why is Qwark acting like that? And why is Clank now the least interesting thing in the history of things? Argh, well like I said, at least the gameplay [few clips of terrible sections (first is hoverboard races, third is dying to final boss) while I do increasingly pissed off adlibs] Well, the side missions, they’ll provide some decent gameplay. [Boring clip of the Clank robot fighting minigame] [clip of me unzipping fly on jeans with Size Matters case in background] Fuck this game

9 & 8. Tools of Destruction & Quest for Booty

I’ve put these two together not because Quest for Booty is essentially a one hour DLC for Tools of Destruction, but because I need this section to explain that I, well, that I like Quest for Booty more than Tools of Destruction. [clips of a cursor clicking the dislike button, leaving a comment saying “you are fuckhead” and a gun cocking while I adlib, adlib of gun cocking is “oh I forgot there’s American viewers”] Tools of Destruction never really clicked with me. The main reason is because it doesn’t really have an identity, other than maybe “discount Pixar”. The dialogue is more generic, there’s these shitty Wii minigames, everyone is a Holocaust, I mean Angela denier… [Talwyn “never talked to another Lombax” clip] Despite all this, I do still respect it due to its ambition, generally faithful next gen-ification (that’s trademarked don’t even try it) of the PS2 games’ formula, and the fact that it set up this masterpiece [A Crack in Time]… more on that later.

… But yeah, I like Quest for Booty more. The reason I like it more, despite it basically being a discount Tools of Destruction on its surface, is because it has that identity I feel Tools is missing. Maybe not in regards to the dialogue, etc. but in regards to the gameplay. Quest follows Ratchet and Talwyn on an adventure to find Clank and, it feels like an adventure. (Chuckling) It makes you FEEL like an adventure. You can’t just fly away in a spaceship here. These dark, daunting caves you’re stuck in? Yeah, you’re stuck in them until you survive to the end. That truly makes you feel isolated. That truly makes you feel like you’ve embarked on a journey. Speaking of which, the environments in this game are quite different to what we’ve seen before. An eerie cave with narrow platforming sections. An open village that’s the backdrop for a platforming masterclass. Seriously, if you haven’t played this game, it’s worth getting for Hoolefar Island alone. Shit, you know that kid in high school who loved Ratchet & Clank? Break into his house and steal his Quest for Booty copy to play this level, it’s worth the jail time. I get why this game isn’t beloved because an hour and half of game time for fifteen bucks isn’t great value for money, in fact here’s a list of what’s better value for that same price [list just saying hire a prostitute” a bunch of times] but shit, it’s a good hour and a half… it has lots of great ideas and, in the understatement of the century, it doesn’t overstay its welcome… hooray

7. Ratchet & Clank 2016

As a YouTuber, I am legally only allowed to discuss this game in the form of a negative, three hour video essay. So, I wanna start this essay by listing my favourite buzzwords. Consumerism… and there we go, awesome. Next I wanna talk about… you know what, I can’t do this, I really like this game. I mean don’t get me wrong, it has its flaws. Alright Ratchet & Clank, I guess this is some sort of game where we follow two characters becoming friends or something, this could be cool. [talking cutscene] Okay I’m an hour into the game and Ratchet and Clank have talked to each other once, I guess they’re easing us into the arc… [talking cutscene near end of the game] Pretty sure I’m in the endgame now, they’ve just kinda been back to back most of the game, are they gonna interact or… [Clank consoling bummed Ratchet after Novalis destruction scene] Wait now they’re best friends? Did they go on an emotionally bonding camping trip offscreen or something? I don’t understand. But generally, I think the game is grossly overhated. The controls are tight and fun, the updated Gaspar is a masterpiece, the Qwark’s narration idea is brilliant, the hoverboard races, which I wasn’t huge on in the original, I love now… yeah this game is flawed but, I like it. As Captain Sasha Phyronix once said, “fuck you bitches”

6. Into the Nexus

After the dramatic journey of A Crack in Time, Insomniac closed out the Future saga with the happy, lighthearted Into the Nexus. [ship exploding in opening sequence] Ooohhh yeah see, awesome. Wait, Cronk and Zephyr were still in there… [clip of Ratchet saying Cronk and Zephyr are dead] wait a minute, what? [nether creatures releasing into world] woah what the fuck [final boss] oh shit. Yeah so Nexus is Ratchet & Clank’s emo phase and, well, I must have a deep rooted emo fetish because I love this game. While it does suffer from the length issues Quest for Booty and I have, it makes good use of what’s there. The story is emotional and nostalgic. Every new gameplay mechanic is executed perfectly and is used just the right amount. The jetpack is one of my favourite mechanics in the entire series period, all hail this blessed level please [show the swamp level] Barely anyone played this because it released in the same period as the PS4 and Xbox One and I’ll never forgive the gaming industry for that. Play this right now. Like seriously, pause the video and play through it and then resume. Y’all cowards didn’t give this gem a chance and argh forget it

5. Ratchet & Clank

[Acapella recreation of Metropolis’ score with rap review on top of it]

Ratchet & Clank is a classic,

Each time you fly to a planet

The visuals have you enamoured,

So bright, unique, multifaceted,

The gameplay too, it’s all so new,

It never tells you what you have to do,

Just pick a path and jump and blast

Until a bot you buy or grab,

And let’s chat about that cast,

Each man you meet just makes you laugh,

The penmanship is just so rad,

It’s rich how it rags the theme of cash,

That extends to the character development,

Ratchet is wrapped and enveloped in

An intergalactic plan of dismemberment,

He goes from an ass to a drastically better man,

From the mechanic to the mechanics,

The gunplay’s simple but packed with action,

The puzzles, varied and dynamic,

The stealth is a damn piece of [redacted],

But I am quite partial to

Clank‘s sections, they’re gnarly too,

And I love the arsenal,

Creative, smart, not hard to use,

Despite this, it’s only my five pick

‘Cause the controls have aged like Brit,

And ’cause the sequels take what I like here

And improve them, wood to a fire pit,

The duo stopped what could have been tragic

And in the process captured magic,

Ratchet & Clank is a classic, oh…

And the soundtrack’s fantastic

4. Deadlocked

If Nexus is Ratchet’s emo phase, Deadlocked is Ratchet’s goth phase. Yes there’s a difference [South Park goth/emo photo while I say that] Deadlocked fucks your girlfriend, puts a cigarette in your neck and makes you feel good about it. Its edgy tone adds grit to the franchise which shouldn’t work but, damn, it’s amazing. Like with Quest for Booty, there’s no escape here. No ship you can hop in to whisk yourself away. Ratchet is completely screwed here and the literal “fight for survival” format is so fresh and intriguing. It also combines the consumerism theme of 1 and 2 with the pop culture theme of 3 to create this fresh yet equally biting satire that, despite its humour, is still in line with the gritty tone. Moreover, the level design, like with Full Frontal mentioned earlier, is much more open than its predecessors and that, combined with the fact that you now have these beautiful fuckers with you [show Merc and Green] that you can command, and the fact that you can ride a spider mech thing because fuck you why not… I’m just listing shit I like about this game without any coherency and I think that’s the best way to discuss this game. It’s pure chaos that uses its fish out of water setting to provide an experience unlike anything else in the franchise or gaming period.

3. Going Commando

Going Commando is one of the most important games in the series. When you think of Ratchet & Clank’s core gameplay, the first thing that comes to mind is [show a few explicit R&C fanart while I adlib] Ok well a few things come to mind for some people but, for me, the first thing that comes to mind is the strafing, so Going Commando is so important because it’s the game that introduced that. And as for everything else it does? Well, it takes what works in 1, gets rid of what didn’t work in 1, and mashes it all together to provide a perfect experience. The unique planets and their inhabitants? Hey, here’s [example]. The creative weapons? [Show R&C 1 weapon] oh that’s cute but here’s [example] You liked the non linear levels? Well here’s 5000 yeti’s in a sprawling wasteland, have fun kids. Going Commando is the perfect sequel and one of my favourite games ever. And we still have two games left on this list… Ratchet & Clank, everyone, what a franchise

2. A Crack in Time

Nine games deep, what have you got left for us, Insomniac?… Time travel and “The Chosen One”, oh no… [Show levels where you bounce between time periods, the Clank puzzles, the hoverboots, the space travel and moons, etc. while adlibbing how cool it is] A Crack in Time is epic. It cranks the vision they had with Tools of Destruction up to 11 to create nothing short of a cinematic masterpiece. All of the new gameplay mechanics are incredible, the story is both personal and grand, thus providing arguably the most powerful and touching narrative of the saga, um… Ratchet FUCKING DIES. A Crack in Time proves that the Pixar style CAN work in a video game format and, while I understand people preferring the more unique style of the originals, this game shows Insomniac can also take a more familiar formula, add their flair to it and turn it into an all time classic.

1. Up Your Arsenal

In the dictionary, the word “perfect” is described as something that is “as good as it is possible to be”. You know how I described Going Commando as “the perfect sequel” earlier? Well Insomniac takes a massive shit on the dictionary by making ANOTHER perfect sequel, one that somehow manages to expand the flawless formula even more. Which retroactively makes Going Commando not the perfect sequel, technically… shhhh. You like the unique and fun combat? Well here’s even more focus on that. You like the open ended levels like Tabora and Yeti ClusterfucKingdom? Well here’s more of that PLUS an evolved version of that. I know these levels ARE just the multiplayer maps reused due to time constraints but, it was a good move because I love them. I also see complaints about there being less paths to take than in 1 and Going Commando but I had no issue with this. Up Your Arsenal has a perfect balance of the aforementioned open levels and more linear levels that Insomniac were able to more intricately craft every specific aspect of due to their linearity. [Show the word “linearity” on screen] [Show the word “consumerism”] Woah wait a minute, my YouTuber senses are going wild. While consumerism is a more unique and interesting theme than, uh, “fuck Britney Spears”, the execution of (chuckle) “fuck Britney Spears” is brilliant and it makes a potentially trashy topic very entertaining. The writing is incredibly sharp here and it leads to what I believe is one of the funniest games of all time, a statement I believe even after playing games like South Park and Destroy All Humans! Qwark’s funeral, every Nefarious scene, the racism anthem music video [Courtney Gears music video], all gold that simultaneously showcases so many memorable and likable characters. I could rave about this game, and franchise, forever. But, in short, Up Your Arsenal is a masterclass in genre fusion. It shows you can combine platforming and shooting in a seamless way. It shows you can have an epic, emotional scene one minute and a hilarious one the next, without either detracting from one another. It, just, just play it. Play it right now, I’m gonna play it right now. Bye

What’s that? Going Mobile? Oh right, yeah. Going Mobile is a 2D… thing that released on flip phones. I’ve never played it and, from what I’ve heard, that’s a good thing. Maybe I’ll track it down and do a video on it one day though. So yeah, that’s it… Buy Into the Nexus

Trademark gag

Dear Josh,

                 after very little consideration, we have concluded that nextgenification is a preposterous term and, consequently, we’ve opted to deny your request to trademark it. We realise this may be problematic for you but, fortunately, your well-being is of little concern to us. In fact, your email gave us the impression that you’re quite pathetic, which is something everyone at the office found rather amusing. We wish you all the best in your pursuit of becoming a, uh, “content creator”, but we also wish to read about your untimely death in the newspaper tomorrow morning.

Worst wishes,

Karen, head of The Trademark Committee™

Better Value for Money than Ratchet & Clank: Quest for Booty

1 McDonald’s Happy Meal

A pre-owned copy of Hannah Montana: Rock out the Show on PSP

Sharkboy and Lava Girl on DVD

Subscribing to my YouTube channel 🙂

A prostitute

Sharkboy and Lava Girl mp4 download from Amazon

Sending hate mail to Chris Brown

An EyeToy

Sharkboy and Lava Girl soundtrack mp3 from Apple Music

“Five Pick” Shot

14. Before the Nexus

13. All 4 One

12. Secret Agent Clank

11. QForce

10. I Disagree

9. Tools of Destruction

8. Quest for Booty

7. Consumerism

6. Into the Nexus

5. Ratchet & Clank (2002)

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