A look back at the PlayStation Vita TV, the perfect thing to buy if you want to repel all women.
Since I got it in 2012, I’ve loved my PS Vita. No other system has such a deep library of hentai. So, when Sony announced the PlayStation TV in 2013, I was naturally hyped. The PlayStation TV is a microconsole, home console, thing that takes the Vita’s UI and puts it on the TV, allowing me to sexualise children in HD. While I loved the idea, Sony clearly didn’t. The execution of it was really half assed. I’d elaborate on this but, well, I feel my thoughts on the system are best summed up via this trailer I put together…
Have you ever looked at your portable device that you bought for its portability and thought, “damn, if only it wasn’t portable!” Well have WE! got the PRODUCT! for YOU! The PlayStation TV is the latest in drop-support-after-a-year technology.
Did you enjoy how the PS1 innovated through its cinematic adventures like Metal Gear Solid? Did you enjoy how the PSP innovated through its multimedia capabilities? Well the PlayStation TV continues this trend of innovation, as it’s the first PlayStation system to do nothing new! We got a team of our most disposable employees, I’m talking the type that, right after we finish this, we’ll be throwing onto the streets days before Christmas, and made them transfer the UI of our worst selling system into a box that we can pass as a new product! This brings portable gaming to the big screen, just the experience people were asking for!
“But hey, now I can play some of the PS Vita’s flagship games on the big screen, including Gravity Rush, Tearaway and Uncharted: Golden Abyss!” Think again, buddy. The PlayStation TV can only play select Vita titles. Why didn’t we take the time to make them compatible? [fast, serious voice] Sony Interactive Entertainment does not comment on rumours or speculation. Any and all statements are subject to change. See terms and conditions for more. [show “for the players” briefly]
[back to ad voice] But fear not, shill! The PlayStation TV is capable of playing select PSP and PS1 games. Ever wanted to play Hannah Montana: Rock out the Show on your 100 inch, 8K display? Well you’re in luck!
Furthermore, this is technically our fourth home console, so if you’re a parent who really regrets having their child, you can say you’re buying them the fourth PlayStation for Christmas, and then give them this! It’ll ruin their year but you technically didn’t lie, making it the ideal terrible parent gift this holiday season!
PlayStation TV – Go Fuck Yourself
So that trailer sums up my main point about the PS TV. It has a tonne of missed potential. See, the thing that stood out most to me about this system, as I alluded to in the trailer, was how it feels like a PlayStation greatest hits. A lot of the best PS1, PSP and PS Vita games are on it. Through ports, a lot of PS2 classics are on it like Ratchet & Clank, God of War and Persona 4. Due to it releasing between the PS3 and PS4, it has a lot of good games that appeared on them, like Borderlands 2, Minecraft and World of Final Fantasy.
Sony could have really doubled down on this aspect, putting a brilliant spin on the “retro microconsole” idea by having a system that isn’t just the best games of one system, but of the entire PlayStation lineage. They were THIS close to the ultimate nostalgia box but, like I said, they just didn’t put the effort in, so all we’re left with is fucking Hannah Montana FUCK.
Sony also designed it as a set top box to compete with Apple TV, Roku, etc., which is interesting because it has like five apps. Even worse, the main apps you’d expect it to have don’t even function anymore. The YouTube app isn’t supported anymore and the Netflix app isn’t available in regions like the UK, because “fuck Wales” apparently. This lack of multimedia support is also a missed opportunity because, I mean did you see that Pornhub chart, the PS Vita community is horny as fuck, a good Internet browser alone would have made this a best seller.
Sony also marketed this as a companion to the PS4. Specifically the Remote Play feature, that allows you to stream your PS4 onto another TV if, for example, the main TV is being used by family or friends. This HAS to be the most specific, niche scenario a product has ever been marketed for, right? Even these glasses that let you see downward without having to manually look down have a bigger market than this [“lazy glasses” on r/ofcoursethatsathing]. And even for those this appeals to, who is gonna pay 100 bucks for this? Who is sitting there next to the wife and kid they despise thinking “well they’ll be going to bed soon so I can play my PS4 then… OR I can pay $100 to play it an hour earlier, what a great investment!”
Nowadays, the only thing the PS TV is good for is homebrew. It’s one of the easiest systems to mod so its homebrew scene is thriving, so if that’s your kinda thing then the PS TV definitely has some value. However, I’m just finding out that 8K is a real thing so, I don’t think this is something I’ll be looking into any time soon.
The homebrew boom is amusing though because it really exemplifies the main downfall of the PS TV – Sony’s lack of effort. THERE’S A mod that allows you to play the PS Vita games that are not compatible, complete with touchscreen workarounds and everything. Why can horny PS Vita fans programme this but Sony can’t? Why does Knack get a sequel but the PS TV doesn’t even get Amazon Prime Video? Why are so many people watching porn on a PS Vita?
I really wanted to like this device because all the pieces are there for an incredible product and, if you can find it for really cheap, there IS fun to be had here. But unfortunately, the PlayStation TV is cemented alongside the Xperia Play and Nokia N-Gage, as a weird, forgotten game system that’s only ever discussed in YouTube video essays by 20 year old men with cartoon avatars [show shitty drawing from Death of Instruction Manuals]. What. A. Legacy.
“Sony Interactive Entertainment terms and conditions” sight gag:
Sony Interactive Entertainment™ Terms and Conditions
Last Updated: 3rd December, 1994
- By purchasing a PlayStation system, you’re agreeing to buying a product that probably won’t be supported beyond its first fiscal year. As such, you’re acknowledging that refunds will not be welcome or available.
- Any and all similarities to Nintendo and Microsoft products are purely coincidental (including the PlayStation Move, PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale, PlayStation Classic, trophies, charging for multiplayer… at least we thought of the EyeToy before the Wii came out.)
- Proprietary. Everything.
- Unique logos for each console generation. Never.
- All of our E3 showings will showcase the campaign of the latest CALL OF DUTY, THE HOTTEST FPS PERSON SHOOTER ON THE MARKET
- We now own a one year exclusivity deal on your virginity. Wait nevermind that lapsed a decade ago, why do you still have it then? lmaooo